More Good Days and Less Bad Days

God always answers prayer.  Sometimes the answer is obvious; its the answer you are looking for.  Other times, He might act through circumstances to answer your prayers.  Often times the answer is NO.  I believe that we will someday understand the reasoning for God's answers, but it is rarely in the present.  A prayer of mine for the past year is for God to give me a biblical understanding of food and health.  I have been uncomfortable with my weight since I was a child.  We won’t travel back to the root of the issue today, but let’s just say that I feel like I missed out on a dose of self-esteem and instead had my entire self-worth wrapped up in my weight.  My junior year of high school I topped out the scale at over 200 pounds; I am a measly 5 foot 4.  I was classified ‘morbidly obese’ and felt that way too.  Through following the Weight Watchers Program, I lost about 55 pounds during my senior year of high school.  While I felt great, everything about my self-worth was still contained in that number on the scale.

I love cooking, baking, and eating.  I’m not afraid to admit that I am a complete foodie.  Within the last year, I’ve felt negatively about my bipolar relationship with food.   I love tasting and eating everything, but at the same time I feel poorly about those tendencies because I think sometimes I can get out of control and my thoughts and actions become sinful and gluttonous.  About a year ago, I began to ask God to guide me to a biblical understanding of food, my health, and my body.   God has answered that prayer by guiding me to the understanding that He created me and He finds me beautiful.  Through reading scripture I found that I should find my worth in Christ- He makes me beautiful from the inside out. 

So let’s make the next part of this story really short.  I’ve been having some health issues and concerns.  After feeling terrible for too long, I started going to some doctors to try and get to the root of the issue.  Yesterday I was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis.  Annoying and complicated name, right?  Basically, IC is a chronic lifetime condition of the bladder.  Without going into too much detail, my bladder lining is not behaving like it should and its causing me a lot of pain, discomfort, and inconvenience throughout each day.  IC never goes away, but I can manage it with medication and diet.  So far the medication's negative side-effects are winning, but with time the medicine should have the intended affect and help repair my bladder.  The diet I have to follow strictly is to avoid acidic foods and anything processed- this means no coffee, no diet coke, no tomatoes, and no to a lot of other things.  The trip around the grocery store is pure comedy- I feel like I can eat about 10% of what the store contains. 

It seems a little cruel to think that God would inflict me with a “chronic lifetime condition” because of my prayer to understand food, and I really don't believe that He did.  Personally, I really feel like it is one of those things that just happens.  My response during this time- my attitude, my respect of my body and this condition, my decision to cling to Christ and let Him guide and strengthen me through this challenge is really what it all comes down to.  I do feel like if I approach my IC with the right attitude, I will come away with a better understanding of food and being healthy.  While I will miss tomatoes, onions, lemons, and limes, there is plenty of other produce that I can eat.  I can’t eat most packaged breads, but I love baking fresh bread in the bread machine.   It’s difficult to think of a positive to going without dark chocolate and coffee, but I am sure that I will manage.  It’s definitely time to come to an understanding of what is healthy for me.  Hopefully, with time, patience, and attention, I can come to a healthy understanding of the food I can eat and the body God has blessed me with.  For now I’ll take it one day at a time and hopefully learn to cook and bake things that both taste delicious and help me get to a place where I have more good days and less bad days.  

4 Months Down, A Lifetime To Go

Today marks 4 months married to Zack. As a newlywed, I sometimes feel naive about the true trials of love. My life has taught me how to love when a person's actions are breaking your heart. God has taught me how to always be in a state of forgiveness. For me, love and forgiveness seem to go hand in hand. We see it in the Bible, God loved us so much that he sent his only son to die on a cross to forgive us of our sins. Romans 5:8 says it like this, "but God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." We didn't deserve it- we don't do anything to earn it. "for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God." Ephesians 2:8

My marriage teaches me things about love and forgiveness every day. Some mornings I'd like to be selfish and sleep in when Zack is getting ready for work. However, the few minutes we have over a hastily prepared breakfast makes that extra hour of sleep worthless. Whether the evenings are spent watching a movie, enjoying a game of scrabble, or each reading a book, there is nothing better than simply being together. Lazy man recliners are not made for time with a spouse. Get a couch and cuddle. Forgiving a spouse isn't ever a first reaction. Its easiest to react in anger, disappointment, or sadness. However, the freedom found in forgiveness, the freedom found after choosing to let a transgression go, is great. I'm very thankful that Zack and I haven't had too much to forgive each other for yet in our marriage. However I do believe that God will always provide us with the strength and ability to forgive each other and all others in our lives as long as we ask and rely on Him alone.

I may be naive when it comes to love, but I know what God promises. I am excited about remaining in a state of playful and blissful romance with Zack. Yes, temptation will come. Yes, trials will come. However, my hope is in the Lord. I will pray for my husband and know that he does the same for me. I will pray for the marriages of those I love. Love isn't easy- I know that. However, I believe that you can make it easier if you both serve one another. Make time for one another. Enjoy each other. I believe that those are the moments that will get you through anything.

(Disclaimer: In no way am I saying that with forgiveness should always come love. It is my belief that in a marriage these two things do go together. However, there are situations, such as rape or abuse, where one can forgive but should not love.)

Identity Crisis

Who I used to be and who I want to be are 2 completely defined people. It is this person in the middle that is losing me.

Casey Fox: Who I used to be

I was a student at UGA working on my bachelors in psychology and minor in child and family development. I knitted. I babysat. I worked at Ramsey, the student gym. I taught knitting. I was a student who lived on coffee and anywhere from 4-7 hours of sleep a night. I had friends. I loved my church home. I was a very busy and sometimes overwhelmed person, but I loved the pace and relished in the exhaustion.

Kristina Tucker: Who I want to be

This person has her masters in Christian Counseling. She's professional and grown-up. She counsels and helps young women with everything from addiction to boundary problems to healing in any arena of life. She is a happy and loving wife. She probably has a child or a few and hopefully some are adopted. She works. She crafts. She serves. She loves. She is busy- probably an overwhelmed sort of busy, but she enjoys life very much.

Its this who I am now that I just can't figure out. I'm between work and school actively waiting on a job. I'm a wife, but definitely learning those ropes. I drink lots of coffee, but now just because I love it, not because I need it. I knit. I sew. I cook and bake. I am nothing if not domestic. I live in this tiny town where there are no young people anywhere. I workout everyday to give myself something to do as well as to burn off the bajillion calories I consume in different types of batters (cake, cookie, bread, you name it.) I go to church. I shop minimally. I read. I watch HGTV. Yes it all sounds great, but I am completely missing any fulfillment.

I question if I am trying to find my fulfillment in the wrong places. I feel like I should be completely fulfilled in the Lord. I have my time with the God in the mornings. I read my bible. I pray. I go to church, and I love worship just as much as ever. I just am missing the fulfillment somewhere. I'm missing the busyness. I am missing conversation with friends. I am missing knowing and being happy with who I am. I feel below mediocre and stir crazy.

I think others sense how I don't know who I am too. I typically introduce myself as Kristina. I feel like Casey Tucker is beyond redneck. Believe me when I say that there is plenty of redneck here in this town without me. However, Zack introduces me as Casey. Therefore, in church I am sure there are all sorts of people completely confused about who I am. "Is she Kristina or is she Casey? Her last name is Tucker- that Zack Tucker is her husband. At least he seems stable and normal." Nothing like seeming like a liar in church. Oh and then there is the signing my name. I always signed "Kristina Fox" because that is who I was legally. These days I am legally "Kristina Tucker" The lesson I learned: pay attention when you sign your last name. You don't want to curse out the nice cashier.

Oh, identity crisis. I'll figure this out. Let's please let it be sooner rather than later. Until then, I'm going to go bake a banana pudding pie and then go work out.

Saying "I Do" as Creatively as I Could

On December 10th I married the love of my life. With that has come a move, lots and lots of changes, and quite a new/different version of Casey. I am determined that there will be many posts about that in the future though. For now, I want to share the things I did for my wedding to make it uniquely us.

My own Hair and Makeup

After debate (internal to me and external as well) I decided to do my own hair and makeup. This turned out to be perfect. I went to the Mac makeup counter at the mall and had them help with what colors would look good on me and they showed me how to properly apply it. After that, I practiced a day on my own to make sure that I could re-create the look. I was comfortable there, so I did it myself the day of. As for my hair- it is a curly mess. In my 21 years with it, I have figured out how to tame it and keep it under control. There was a hairdresser who tried to talk me into having it professionally done, but I knew I was most comfortable doing it myself, so that is what I stuck with.

Seeing One Another before the Ceremony

I come from a HUGE family, divorced parents, lots of grandparents, etc. I knew that there were family shots that we would want to have, and we really didn't want people to have to wait for us at the reception. Because of this, Zack and I decided to see one another before the wedding. This picture was when I finally made it down the aisle and into his arms. This was a very special moment for the two of us. It gave us a time to quietly and privately come before God and pray and dedicate "our day" to Him. No questions about it- I am so glad we broke the whole the-groom-shouldn't-see-the-bride-before-the-wedding superstition.

This is that huge family I was talking about!

We grabbed this shot after the ceremony. We had everyone,that means all extended family on both sides, stay for a big group shot. It was a little bit difficult, but I love the shot in the end!

Of course I brought my knitting with me for the down-time. I was so glad to have a minute to relax in the way that I know best :)

The Wedding Party after the Ceremony

We had the best wedding party ever. Made up of close friends and siblings, I could not have asked for more special people to share our day with us.

Sign Our Quilt

This is sure to be a blog post in the future, but I did make a guest quilt in addition to our traditional guestbook. This was in the entryway as everyone entered for the reception.

Coffee Bar

I am a coffee's number one fan. It is how I made it through the 6 months between our engagement and the wedding. It is definitely not a good habit of mine, but I love it so much. It turns a tired, groggy Casey into the extroverted, crazy, fast-talking gal that I am. Therefore, it was only fitting that we had a coffee bar at the wedding :)

Centerpieces

3 different glass bottles spray painted white, a single (wholesale bought) red rose placed in each vase, borrowed mirrors and greenery selected from friend's yards... all together for total cost about $100 for 20 tables! That is about $5 a table. I absolutely love the way they turned out!

However, I don't want to look at goo-be-gone or white spray paint for a very long time.

First Dance

For our first dance as husband and wife, Zack and I danced to "I Love" but Tom T. Hall. Neither one of us are big dancers, and I honestly dislike dancing. Dancing with my husband on a quiet night not in front of tons of people is fine. Dancing as a focal point of the reception was horrifying to me. However, for whatever reason, I felt like this was something that we had to do, so we did it our way. We picked a funny song, practiced a time or two and planned this dip for the end. Also, the cowboy boots- not originally planned for the day, but as the wedding day was approaching, I realized that I had not broken in my shoes nearly enough. I wore my nicer shoes during the wedding, but by the end of the ceremony my feet were throbbing. I changed into my boots and was so much more comfortable. I am so glad that I changed into them. I'm sure they became a memory for my guests and I was just so glad to be comfortable.

The Wedding Favors: Recipe Cards

I LOVE to cook. And, well, I like to eat for that matter too. It took a while to stumble upon this idea and then to type them up and finalize them. However, thanks to Google Images, Microsoft Publisher, and free downloadable fonts, these babies were created in only a few hours. Finished up with some raffia and candy canes the final cost for these was only $40 total. Affordable, one-of-a-kind, and very appreciated by the guests. My favorite part is hearing back from people saying that they tried one of the recipes and that they loved it!

The Wedding Shawl

I went back and forth on knitting a wedding shawl for myself for the wedding. With 6 months for knitting and not loving lacework, I just didn't know that it was a great idea. However, after some encouragement from a friend, I went for it, and I am so glad. I love everything about my shawl. I wore an elbow-length veil for the ceremony, but I knew that I did not want to leave it on for the reception. However, I hate my arms. Yes, what a womanly, low self-esteem thing to say. But whatever. I loved having my shawl for a little more coverage. And really, what a precious heirloom.



For those of you who are not UGA Dawg fans, the Georgia chant or call of the dawgs is "Go Dawgs! Sic 'em! Woof, woof, woof!" As we were walking out of the reception, we were surprised by our friends chanting a rousing rendition yelling "Go Tuckers! Get Some! Woof, woof woof!" While slightly embarrassing and insinuating a little much for good classy taste, it was such a funny surprise and the perfect way to walk out to our mini honey-moon :)

The Truck

Zack and I chose to leave in his truck. We are pretty informal people and we just knew that getting a limo wasn't our style. That being said, I was not leaving in his dirty truck. I told him to get the truck professionally cleaned and we would leave in our style. His wonderful friends decorated it, and this candid shot happened. I love it!

Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed the little things that made our wedding so special to me!

All photographs were taken by Mark Parsons. He was truly wonderful through the entire event, captured so many amazing pictures, and just truly did an amazing job. I would recommend him to anyone looking for a wedding photographer! http://www.markparsonsphotography.com/

Oh Athens.

Its funny how such a seemingly small decision can change so much.

On a cold January day, I walked into the local knitting shop. Situated in a cozy red barn out in Watkinsville about 15 minutes from the UGA campus, I have no idea why it took so long to become a solace for me. I would venture in two or three times a year for a splurge I couldn’t afford. An hour later I would wander out feeling anything but thrifty, yet still exceptionally happy. Being a natural fiber snob did not fit into my college budget, and I was perfectly content with my acryl-ick. However, one January day I was feeling bold. I wandered in on a mission. I wanted to teach knitting. I had the skills. I knew I had the ability to teach. I loved all things knitting. I knew I could do it as long as the shop could give me the chance.

I wandered in Main Street Yarns and shopped for a while. Really, I was just working up some courage. I purchased my one skein of Sublime Cashmere Merino Silk and gave my spiel. “I’m a student over at UGA. I want to teach knitting. I have been knitting for 6 years and simply love it. I started and currently run the UGA knitting club, and I just want another way to share my love of the craft.” I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

A few weeks later, I met Lilah, the instructor who I was ‘replacing’ for lack of a better term. In reality, I could never in one million trillion years replace Lilah in any way shape or form. But that is beside the point. I trained and taught with Lilah in a completely booked knitting 101, and I loved every single second of it. I knew I could be good at this. I knew I could bring in money doing something that I loved.

Never did I imagine that I would be teaching knitting classes twice a week. Never did I think that I would be working the floor at a local knitting shop, talking to people about yarns and fibers. Never did I think that I would walk into SAFF and swoon over giant fluffy angora bunnies just because of their fur. Never did I think that I would have such ties established just because of a job, because of a knitting shop.

I am leaving Athens in a month and a half. I am so incredibly excited for the next part of my life: being the wife of Zack Tucker; I’ve found the person whom my soul loves(thanks for the wording, Song of Solomon) However, tears fill my eyes when I think about leaving Athens.

Athens is more than my college town. Sure, I’ve gone to school here, but it is so much more than that. I have my friends from classes and job on campus. I started the UGA Knitwits and love having a life on campus beyond just academics. I will leave UGA with lots of friends, my degree, and a decent GPA. But Athens has become so much more than that. I have a church family made up of friends my age as well as local families- they are all family away from my real family. I have my knitting community- people that I have had in classes, people that are simply acquaintances at Main Street, people who inspire and motivate me. And then I have Grace and Finn, two kids I babysit weekly, kids of the fabulous Lilah actually, kids that have come to mean so much to me. Grace and her spunk and independence and Finn with his climbing everything. I never imagined that walking into Main Street would lead strong ties to Athens. I just liked knitting and yarn.

However, now I am moving over an hour away in a month and a half. I have been blessed with such amazing friendships and families here. I have been touched by so many and learned so much. I’ve never really had to say goodbye to a home. I moved away from home when I came to school, but I always have a place to return- my parents are there, my family is there, I can go anytime I want. But Athens has become a home, and saying goodbye is going to plain suck. But on the positive side, I am going to make the most of the next month and a half. I am going to enjoy my teaching at Main Street and spend my paychecks on wonderful, natural yarn. I am going to snuggle with Grace and Finn and make sure I get all the loud giggles and smiles I can. I am going to enjoy each worship service at Beech Haven and Sunday school class I have left. And I am sure to take you up on a coffee or meal at any local coffee house or restaurant at any chance I get.

Wait, an update?

I used to be so good with blogging semi-regularly and now I really have no idea what happened. It’s not like I haven’t had anything to write about. I have been up to all sorts of fibery goodness recently—I just haven’t been updating.

So what have I been up to? Well, I jumped off the selling stuff ship since winter. Short story: knitting shouldn’t be stressful, and it shouldn’t be a race. Ironically, I’ve only been knitting more. I am feeling more inspired and more adventurous. The pressure is taken off and now I am just knitting for myself and those that I really love.

I’ve never really considered myself an adventurous knitter. I might have been adventurous when I first started knitting. However, at some point I became comfortable and stopped learning and trying out new techniques or project types or anything. Recently, I’ve come to believe that my creativity and inspiration are linked to how much appreciation I have for the recipient of my knitting. I’ve found that I only want to knit with the nicest yarns and knit up the prettiest things, all just so I can keep them. Hence the Ishbel shawl knitted out of bamboo silk pictured in this post.

For a long time, I was anything but selfish. Knitting included, I rarely did anything for myself. Well, for some reason, all that has changed in the past few months. I have been pouring into myself and spoiling myself like never before! Maybe it’s my age? Maybe it’s my stage in life? Who knows? And don’t get me wrong, I am not selfish in the normal college sense. I am not paying my whims and desires so much attention that I have no regard for anyone else… I just have found a way to spoil myself with peace. Coffee, knitting, quiet time. It is just all so good.

Okay so my blogging habits are poor at best, but maybe now that I’ve come clean on my inspiration and previous lack thereof, I will update more often again. Not that anyone cares, but it’s a nice hobby and a good way to take some time out for myself and do a little reflection. Maybe too since this is no longer linked with a business, I will get a little more transparent. That being said I am going to end with a verse that I’m striving to live out. Given that foray on selfishness, it’s important to remember that’s not what I’m created for…

Philippians 2:3-4 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”

Making Some Tangible Progress

Life is awesome! I am finally up and running on etsy! I have 4 things posted, and I could not be more thrilled.

On Friday I met up with a friend, Tori, and took pictures so that I could post some things on etsy.. Tori and I met through my wonderful brother, Travis (she is his girlfriend.) So, a week-ish ago I posted a status on facebook saying I needed a model and a better camera (see my last update.) She was one of the people that responded saying that she would like to help out. Well, I was naturally thrilled (she is gorgeous and simply a really fun person to be around.) I knew that she would look great in my things, and that it would be a blast to get out and take some pictures with her. So on Friday she came over to my apartment and we walked down by the lake and took some pictures. I have them posted on etsy and facebook, and the top of this post. It is awesome how kind and willing people can be, and she was just such an amazing help in the etsy process.

So yes, stuff is posted on etsy! Check it out at www.creationsbykc.etsy.com

Thanks to another great friend, Ruth, for telling about an opportunity in Athens this Sunday. It is a sustainability event that is hosted by a couple in Oconee County. Ruth will have some of her wonderful paintings and I will have some of my recycled bag bags and a scarf or two made from yarn I recycled from sweaters. It’s a somewhat political event, but I am going to steer clear of that aspect of things…However, I am all for sustainability, and look forward to seeing how other people are talking steps to help the environment. I also look really forward to getting my name out there and possibly selling a thing or two.

Check Ruth out here: http://www.facebook.com/100tinybluebirds (Check out her photo albums—she has some stunning paintings)

Check out information about the event here: Oconee County, GA Politics: A second Sustainability Showcase sponsored by Ocon...: "The Priests house is in the narrow area of an Athens mailing address in Oconee County, this near the newer shopping centers near the border ..."

And finally, one more shout-out goes to Holly Hess for featuring me on her blog. We met up last Thursday and she took some pictures of me for a photojournalism project. You can see some of those and read more about it on her blog: http://hollyshess.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/uga-knitwhits/#comments

Okay, well now I need to go recycle some yarn from a sweater. Thanks for reading!